An Article from Singapore’s Real Love Works Magazine April- June 2011

EVEN ONCE-A-MONTH SEX IS A CHORE FOR THIS HIGH-FLYING WORKING MUM – SHE’S JUST TOO TIRED. WE GOT EXPERT HELP FOR HER AND HER HUSBAND.

Janice*, 32, and Pete*, 35, have been married for four years

…and have an 18-monthold daughter, Jasmine*. Both high-achieving Public Relations professionals, they have stressful jobs that involve long hours.

Despite being career-focused, the couple decided to have a child “before it was too late”. Janice went back to work three months after giving birth, as she did not want to put her career on hold for too long, and they left their daughter in the care of Pete’s mum.

“It was very tiring,” she admits. “I was still breastfeeding and had to express every two to three hours at work, which was very disruptive. I felt fat and tired, but felt that I had to prove to my boss, subordinates and clients that I was still on top of things, that I could be Superwoman and excel at work, even with a baby. It was exhausting and I’ve been exhausted to this day.”

This has taken a toll on the couple’s sex life, as Janice is never in the mood. Pete complains that they have sex only once a month, if he’s lucky. She gets annoyed by his hankering for sex, especially on weeknights, “and I just need to pay my sleep debt on weekends”. When they do have sex, she says, it’s just to get it over and done with. While they do not have big quarrels over this, Pete does get sullen when Janice brushes him off when he initiates sex.

He says that getting a maid to handle the household chores and help with the baby at night, or having his mum stay with them during weekdays would solve the problem. Janice, however, is resistant to the ideas as she feels that their two-bedroom apartment is already too small for their family.

While she feels guilty and selfish for neglecting Pete, she laments: “Honestly, I have zero sex drive. Whether it’s hormonal or just tiredness, I don’t know. Things were okay before I had Jasmine. We worked hard and played hard. Now, my life revolves around work and home. I have almost no time or space for myself.”

Virtually every couple has different sex drives, say marriage experts and “edu-tainers” Jay and Laura Laffoon. “In roughly 80 per cent of marriages, the husband has the higher sex drive. Studies have shown that the average man needs sexual release every 72 hours,” Jay says.

Draw up a timetable for sex

“What Janice and Pete need to do is to mutually agree on a plan for their sex life. A “plan” does not sound very romantic, but sex is about so much more than just sex. At times, it is the glue that holds marriages together,” Jay explains.

Hormonal changes due to pregnancy and giving birth affect a woman’s libido, but in Janice’s case, 18 months after giving birth, exhaustion is the most likely culprit behind her lack of sexual desire, Laura says. “Janice and Pete need to work together to come up with a plan to address Janice’s exhaustion.”

Get your priorities right

“Marriage is a journey. Along the way, we all have to make adjustments as our life together changes. Janice and Pete need to take a look at their priorities and determine what is and what is not important to them at this point. A good place to start would be to create a family mission statement, which will help them make decisions based on the ‘filter’ of their mission statement,” Laura advises.

Jay elaborates: “For instance, a family’s mission could be to create a loving, healthy and safe environment where they nurture each other to become global citizens. Come vacation time, a family may decide to spend time helping the needy in Haiti or Calcutta.”

However, remember that family mission statements can change at different times of a family’s life cycle, Jay adds.

Put family before career

Many working mothers may reckon that work-life balance is an urban legend. “It’s attainable, but something has to give!” says Laura. “But it doesn’t have to ‘give’ forever. Pete and Janice should enjoy this season with their daughter; maybe they should both back off their career goals for a while. They ought to realize that if they are really good at what they do, their careers will always be there. Their daughter, however, will only be a child for a short time.”

With all that has been said about sex, the couple should know that the kids can get affected, too. A child’s emotional well-being may suffer if her parents are not emotionally and sexually intimate. Jay says: “There are countless studies indicating the best thing a couple can do to help their children develop into healthy adults is to focus on their marriage. The healthiest, wealthiest and best adjusted adults come from homes where mum and dad are growing in their relationship and connecting in every way.”

* Names have been changed

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